"Regrets, I've had a few; but then again, too few to mention"……
Ah Frankie, if only that were true for us all!
Most of us have regretted decisions we’ve made in our lives or actions we’ve taken, or maybe things we’ve said.
And sometimes regret can linger for years, or sadly lifetimes.
“I should have taken that job when it was offered, travelled to this country when I had the chance, had more kids, kept in touch with this person from school…..” etc. etc. etc.
Regret is an emotional state involving conjuring up thoughts of “what if” scenarios.
Though this is a state we have all experienced at one time or another, it takes us away from our present lives and causes unnecessary stress as there is absolutely no way of knowing if the alternative decision or route would have in fact been better. It may have been worse. Or even exactly the same as the choice we made.
Dr. Ellen Langer, professor of Psychology at Harvard University, talks often about the fact that regret is mindless.
She stresses that we only have one life so there is no way of ever knowing what the “right” life would have been for us. We have nothing to compare it to. Say you have no kids and you regret not having lots of kids. You can’t live a life where you had none, and then another life when you had one, and another where you had two….. etc. etc. in order to make the perfect decision for you.
Would trying out all of these different alternative lives be useful even if we did have magical powers? There are upsides and downsides to everything. Compromises need to be made in all areas of life. So is the idea that there is a right life for us false anyway?
So how can we help to avoid this unnecessary unpleasant feeling of regret? How can we approach making decisions in the future?
Make decisions mindfully
Langer suggests that we be mindful of why we are making the choices we make.
For example, say we are offered a promotion at work. It comes along at a time when our personal life is really busy and we have a lot of responsibilities. The promotion would bring more money and opportunities but it would also mean having less time for the parts of our job that we really enjoy at the moment and we would have less free time outside of work. So we decide to not take the promotion.
Now imagine that five years after this decision we read an article about the person who did take the promotion, and their career has grown and they have become renowned in their field.
Knowing why we made that decision at that time helps to avoid regret. We knew that at that time we valued more free time, and prioritised our responsibilities outside of work over the promise of a burgeoning career.
Do we still feel a little jealous of the successful colleague in the article? Maybe. But perhaps we can turn this more into wisdom and motivation to make new choices in the here and now.
What if we become indecisive?
Ok so what if we decide to make decisions more mindfully. We need to move to a new house and we are presented with a couple of options that all feel like they could be right for where we are in our life right now? Maybe we’re choosing whether we move to live by the coast or in the countryside. We like both areas, they are the same distance to work, friends and family.
But we can’t make a decision because we are afraid of making the wrong choice. We ask ourselves:
What if the neighbours aren’t friendly?
What if the roof needs fixing?
What if it’s too cold in the winter?
Moving house is a big decision and obviously one needs to put thought into it. But if your indecision is born from fear of making the wrong choice and leads to you doing nothing and not moving at all, you could become stuck.
What’s worse than worrying you made the wrong decision? Not making any decision at all?
Langer advises that we
Stop stressing about making the right decision. Make the decision right.
Just pick one randomly, whether the decision is big or small. It doesn’t matter. We are never going to know what the alternative is. If we are really struggling to mindfully choose then just pick an option and make the best of it.
Maybe there is no such thing as the right decision but only the ability to make things right for ourselves? What do you think?
Can regret ever be beneficial?
Perhaps regret, in the short term, can act as information.
If we return to the hypothetical promotion we turned down earlier. We might see that colleague and wish that our career looked a bit like that now too. We can use this as information and motivation.
There is no need to berate ourselves for not taking that direction five years earlier as we know that at that time in our lives we decided not to take it for good reasons. But perhaps now we feel like we can take on more responsibilities at work and perhaps this can motivate us to look for a new position or notice opportunities that come along that we may find interesting.
I also think that it is crucial to remember that the longer we live the more we learn about ourselves and our values, which makes making mindful decisions easier.
So cut yourself (and your past selves) some slack and let the regret go. We have now, and can make that right for us.
I started with lyrics from a song so why not end with some more?
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't
Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the 'Funky Chicken'
On your 75th wedding anniversary
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much
Or berate yourself either
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else'sEverybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen, Baz Luhrmann